The Bearable Lightness of Being

   Random Musings 1 Comments

True fact: 2 years ago, I weighed 30 pounds heavier than I do now.

I walked out the door from my then-husband toward a life that actually felt right in my heart.  I felt horrible, terrible, low and awful.  Those things were aptly reflected in my physical appearance.

I was happier being gone, but I wasn’t quite sure where happy was yet.  It wasn’t easy, nor fun, nor anything I suggest someone goes through unless they need to, but it was necessary, and I and my heart still stand by my decision 100%.

It’s interesting how people associate your physical appearance with your actual well-being. Sometimes you get to be the “fat but funny” friend.  Sometimes you just watch as everyone assumes life’s ok because you’ve got more poundage on you, so if you’re eating, things are dandy.

Normally, I don’t eat when I’m upset.  But when I don’t move except from bed to floor to refrigerator in the course of a day, things are bound to happen.

Over time, life started to reveal itself a bit more and, although an admittedly wayward path, a few things became more clear to me:

  • My heart is important, and I should listen to it more often
  • My head isn’t always right, and it’s often too hard on me
  • My body is what it is, and only I can determine how I really want it to be (within reason and outside of surgery)


My heart is now, for the most part, content.  I’m not physically in the place or who I want to be with at the moment, but I’m so damn sure about my feelings that big picture? No worries. It will work itself out just fine.
My head can shut the f- up.  I admire its drive and how it pushes me, but the Negative Nellies can relocate.  I’m getting better with this, though.
Finally, I’m 30 pounds lighter now than my initial adventures.  It’s taken time, and work, and concentration.  It’s hours working out, and many hamburgers and fries and hot fudge sundaes left uneaten.  It’s made me more confident sure, but really?  More than anything, working out/running has given me an appreciation for me – what I can do, what I can accomplish, the discipline and wins I can have.  That I shouldn’t just hide under a blue blanket, and that I should fight for me, and for the things I most love and believe in.
So here I am. Continuing to fight.   Are you?
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